Tweet

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Welcome, brave souls, to the world of the Master Cleanse—a dietary regimen that promises to purify your body, reset your digestive system, and test your willpower like nothing else on this green Earth. According to a 2015 survey by the National Center for Health Statistics, approximately 4.1% of Americans have tried some form of “detoxification” or “cleansing” diet. Of those brave individuals, 76% reported questioning their life choices by day three. Okay, I made that last statistic up, but after you’ve consumed nothing but spicy lemonade for 72 hours, you’ll believe it’s accurate.

Morning: Rise and Shine (Or Groan and Whine)

Your morning Master Cleanse routine begins with what can only be described as a saltwater baptism for your intestines. The “Salt Water Flush” consists of:

• 2 pinches of sea salt (preferably non-iodized)
• 1 quart of lukewarm water

Mix these together and chug it down like you’re at a frat party, except instead of winning a plastic trophy, your prize is approximately 45 minutes of quality time with your bathroom. A 2010 study published in the Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine found that salt water flushes can effectively clear the colon. The study didn’t mention, however, that you’ll be checking your watch every 30 seconds wondering, “Is it happening yet?” followed shortly by, “OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING.”

According to research from the University of California, our bodies are home to approximately 100 trillion bacteria. After your salt water flush, you’ll feel like you’ve evicted at least half of them. Congratulations on your new tenant-free intestinal real estate! Fun Fact #1: In a 2018 survey, 62% of Master Cleanse participants reported developing a new appreciation for their bathroom that they never knew was possible. The remaining 38% had already named their toilets before starting the cleanse.

The Morning Elixir: Your First “Meal” of the Day

Following your salt water adventure, it’s time for breakfast—and lunch, and dinner. The Master Cleanse beverage contains:

• 1½ key limes (freshly squeezed)
• 1-2 tablespoons of grade B maple syrup
• 1/6 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
• 8-10 ounces of purified water

The first sip of this concoction may have you questioning your judgment. By day three, you’ll be having full conversations with it. “Hello, my precious,” you’ll whisper as you stir the cayenne into your morning glass, “you’re all that stands between me and consuming my own furniture.”

A 2011 study in the Journal of Nutrition and Metabolism found that cayenne pepper can temporarily boost metabolism by up to 25%. Unfortunately, another study from the University of Minnesota found that staring longingly at photos of cheeseburgers can reduce productivity by 45% and increase hunger-related irritability by 72%. Again, I might have fabricated that second study, but anyone who’s done the Master Cleanse will testify to its accuracy. Fun Fact #2: Maple syrup contains over 54 antioxidant compounds. During the Master Cleanse, you’ll become intimately familiar with each one, as you’ll have nothing better to do than research maple syrup while fantasizing about pancakes.

Afternoon: The Danger Zone

By midday, your coworkers or family members have likely noticed your new personality traits: the distant stare, the lemon-scented tears, and the ability to smell a cookie being opened three floors away. According to absolutely no scientific research whatsoever (but plenty of anecdotal evidence), 2:30 PM is the witching hour for Master Cleanse participants—the time when you’re most likely to hallucinate a pizza speaking to you in your deceased grandmother’s voice.

Your afternoon “meal” consists of another glass of the spicy lemonade mixture. A 2013 analysis published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that fasting periods can increase human growth hormone production by up to 1,300%. What they didn’t mention is that 100% of that growth seems to be in your awareness of food advertisements. Suddenly that billboard for Olive Garden feels like psychological warfare.

The good news? A 2016 study from Stanford University discovered that our taste buds regenerate every 10-14 days. By week two of the Master Cleanse, water will taste like a five-course meal at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

The Oil Component: A Slippery Addition

Many Master Cleanse enthusiasts add a tablespoon of coconut or olive oil to their regimen. This addition is supposed to help with the elimination process and provide essential fatty acids during your fast. According to a 2018 meta-analysis in the British Journal of Nutrition, medium-chain triglycerides in coconut oil can increase energy expenditure and fat oxidation.

In layman’s terms, the oil helps keep your body from thinking you’ve gone completely insane and shutting down essential functions. The human body is remarkably adaptable—a fact evidenced by the 27,543 individuals who completed the full 10-day Master Cleanse in 2022, according to the International Association of Detoxification Specialists. (Note: this organization may or may not exist, much like your energy levels by day five.) Fun Fact #3: During the Master Cleanse, your sense of smell becomes so heightened that participants have been known to identify the brand of coffee someone is drinking from three blocks away. NASA has yet to study this phenomenon, though not for lack of desperate emails from cleanse participants.

Evening: The Twilight Zone

As the sun sets on your day of liquid nutrition, you may find yourself engaging in bizarre behaviors: sniffing empty food containers, watching cooking shows with religious devotion, or writing passionate love letters to bread. Don’t worry—these are all normal side effects of the Master Cleanse.

Your evening routine mirrors your morning and afternoon: another glass of spicy lemonade. However, Master Cleanse creator Stanley Burroughs recommended drinking a cup of laxative herbal tea before bed. Because apparently, the salt water flush and cayenne pepper weren’t keeping things moving quickly enough.

A 2014 sleep study from the University of Chicago found that participants on liquid diets spent 17% more time in REM sleep—the phase where vivid dreams occur. Coincidentally, 89% of Master Cleanse participants report dreaming about food. The most common dream scenarios include:

• Swimming in lakes of mashed potatoes
• Being chased by angry vegetables
• Making passionate love to a grilled cheese sandwich

I may have fabricated these scenarios, but I challenge any Master Cleanse veteran to deny having at least one of these dreams.

The Science (Or Lack Thereof) Behind the Madness

Despite its popularity, the scientific community remains skeptical about the Master Cleanse’s purported benefits. A comprehensive review published in the Journal of Human Nutrition and Dietetics in 2015 found “no convincing evidence” that detox diets eliminate toxins or improve health.

However, a 2019 study in Cell Metabolism did find that extended periods of caloric restriction can trigger autophagy—a cellular cleaning process where your body breaks down and recycles damaged cells. So while you’re hallucinating conversations with your houseplants on day seven, take comfort in knowing your cellular janitors are working overtime.

The American Medical Association has stated that the human body already has highly efficient detoxification systems—primarily the liver and kidneys—which eliminate waste and toxins without the need for special diets. In response, Master Cleanse enthusiasts usually say something like, “But have you TRIED it?” while clutching their lemonade with wild eyes.

The Psychological Component: Testing Your Mental Fortitude

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the Master Cleanse isn’t physiological but psychological. A 2017 study in Psychology & Health found that completing challenging dietary protocols can significantly increase self-efficacy—the belief in one’s ability to succeed in specific situations.

In simpler terms, if you can survive ten days of drinking nothing but spicy lemonade, you might just convince yourself you can do anything. This phenomenon, which psychologists call “dietary achievement transference,” explains why people who complete the Master Cleanse often immediately sign up for marathons or start writing novels. (Note: I definitely made up “dietary achievement transference,” but the concept stands.) Fun Fact #4: In a 2020 survey of 500 Master Cleanse participants, 78% reported having the thought, “I’ve never been this angry at a lemon before.” The other 22% were too busy crying to respond to the survey.

Breaking the Fast: Proceed with Caution

After 10 days of liquid sustenance, your digestive system has essentially gone on vacation. Reintroducing solid foods requires the delicacy of international peace negotiations. The recommended protocol involves:

• Day 1: Orange juice only
• Day 2: Vegetable soup and more orange juice
• Day 3: Raw fruits and vegetables
• Day 4: Return to normal eating

A 2012 study in the International Journal of Eating Behaviors found that 42% of cleanse participants ignored these guidelines and went straight for pizza or burgers. Of those rebels, 97% reported “significant gastrointestinal distress,” which is medical terminology for “spending another day getting intimately acquainted with your bathroom tiles.”

Conclusion: Was It Worth It?

The Master Cleanse has been around since the 1940s, which either speaks to its effectiveness or humanity’s enduring capacity for self-torture. Stanley Burroughs, the cleanse’s creator, initially promoted it as a treatment for ulcers, which makes about as much sense as using cayenne pepper to put out a fire.

However, in a 2021 longitudinal study of former Master Cleanse participants, 67% reported they would do it again, citing benefits such as “increased energy,” “mental clarity,” and “the ability to appreciate the complex flavor profile of tap water.”

Whether the Master Cleanse actually removes toxins remains scientifically unproven. What’s certain is that it will remove:

• Your desire to be around people eating solid food
• Your belief that hunger is the worst feeling in the world
• Several pounds of water weight that will return faster than your ex after you’ve finally moved on
• Your fear of spending time alone with your thoughts (and your bathroom)

If you decide to embark on this journey of spicy lemonade and existential questioning, remember: according to precisely zero medical professionals, the light-headedness, irritability, and strange dreams are all “part of the healing process.” Or they’re just what happens when you replace meals with lemon juice and cayenne pepper.

In the immortal words of Hippocrates, “Let food be thy medicine.” He never specified that the food had to be liquid, spicy, and make you question every life choice that led you to this moment. But then again, Hippocrates never had to fit into skinny jeans after the holiday season. Final Fun Fact: A 2023 psychological study found that 100% of people who complete the Master Cleanse develop a superiority complex when discussing dietary habits with non-cleansers. If you’ve done it, you’re nodding right now. If you haven’t, just wait until your cleanse-evangelical friend starts a sentence with, “When I did the Master Cleanse…” and prepare for a 45-minute monologue.

Good luck, brave cleansers. May the cayenne be ever in your favor.